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February 25th, 2008
07:12 pm
I've never been the bad guy, and I've never really had people dislike me. I'm sure there have been a lot of people who just don't happen to like me or worse but I don't usually hear about it and I don't deal well with being actively disliked. It just makes me so down on myself even though I may dislike those people. Even if I know their reasons are stupid or they're being defensive. Even if they don't know me. Even if they don't understand the situation. I can't stand that feeling. There are just so many reasons that I don't like myself right now. Ugh.
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January 22nd, 2008
11:47 pm
Well life is a lot different than last time I wrote here but I'm not going to update on that, just move on with...
My best new favorite plan ever!! Which is to go straight to my PhD in Rhethoric! How hilarious would that be? I feel that someone who's a doctor in rhetoric would necessarily think that they are better than everybody else... I think I could do that... well, more likely I would just laugh at it and would be one step closer to my life being a total joke.
Good conversation about it -
me: "Would you still love me if I had a PhD in rhetoric?"
Dani: "What's that?"
me: "I don't really know"
Dani: "That's like the stuff that Socrates came up with... so no."
me: "No?"
Dani: "No, cause then if you were fighting with me in rhetoric we'd never get anything figured out."
In other news, someone at the centre today was really offensive and when asked what roti was made of decided it would be a great idea to ask one of two women of colour in the room. Fucking great.
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November 19th, 2007
08:19 pm - Best thing ever - How does this actually happen?
So the whole missed connections thing on Craig's List... who actually knows anyone who has been on there?
Erin found this little note today....
"andy poolhall "cherry bomb" november 17 - w4w - 24
you: sporty type wearing a black/dark blue polo shirt, dark hair similar to shane from "the l word." sweet smile as i caught your eye on the dance floor.
me: dark haired ponytail, high heels and tight jeans. i would have asked for a dance but i was feeling much too shy- maybe next month?"
That is most definitely referring to Dani. Why does stuff like this always happen to her and how unlikely is it that she would have ever found out about it? And you have to love that they Shaned her, she hates that. So random.
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November 16th, 2007
01:49 pm
I think 90s dance music is the way to my heart.
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November 15th, 2007
08:58 pm - Physical Manifestations of Emotional Suffering
I love that Nomi is Nomi...
In our global dance class (the flakeyest dance class yet) I pick up two brightly coloured scarves for our air dance. I walk up to Nomi and say "these colours burn" and instead of looking at me like I'm crazy or rolling her eyes, she simply switches her scarves with me and made sure I was ok.
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November 8th, 2007
12:47 pm
Yesterday I had an appointment with career services which I was not looking forward to. I'm hoping that one of these days someone is just going to tell me what to do with my life but it never seems to happen. The appointment was mostly useless. The woman didn't really tell me anything I couldn't have googled myself but she did say a very simple thing that is kind of sticking with me. She said that I didn't really seem excited about environmental science. She said that there is a difference between loving something (like the ocean) and wanting to break it down and study it. No surprise here and yet it's so true. Even just thinking about the 1950s gets me all excited and worked up and interested. Sitting here reading about upwelling inducing greater whale populations just makes me want to run away to the ocean to write for a month. The woman yesterday also asked me what my ideal day would look like. These days I can't get away from the feeling that I need to write in the mountains, or by the ocean. I feel so disconnected from my soul. I feel like I need art so badly right now and that I have no time for it. Maybe that's what I need to do when I graduate. Ditch everything I thought I would do and just write, paint, sing and read... somewhere else. Somewhere inspiring. I feel like there's something in my chest really needing to get out and school is just not doing it for me right now.
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November 3rd, 2007
01:34 am - Give me your soul, I am not a demon.
This is a ridiculously stressful time and last night I most definitely had a mental breakdown and yet, right now I'm loving this so much. Our house was filled with wonderful people all working towards the common goal of the big KINK night happening tomorrow. In the background we have bad porn playing, not many of us noticing until something weird would happen. Like fucking a lamp, or when words would come up on the screen like "Give me your soul, I am not a demon." These kinds of statements would be followed, for example, by two people fighting for my trust and arguing that the other is actually a demon. The 4 - 6 people are sitting in front of the porn with their computers or sewing machines all working on various kinky endeavors. Every so often Max chirps in with "pisser/pissed on," calling out the hankies that were being designed. Then there's the burlesque rehearsals which inevitably end in keeling over in laughter because of how ridiculously unprepared we are. So many inside dirty jokes and so many new jokes. It's amazing and makes me happy because even if I feel like I might die from stress and sleep deprivation, at least I feel more productive than I have since staging Hedwig.
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September 28th, 2007
02:44 am
Tonught I almost doubled the number of people I've made out with. Almost. Exciting.
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September 26th, 2007
11:54 pm - Things I've never heard before about me:
"You're the hot shit of the night"
"We want to get you drunk and take advantage of you"
... sweet
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September 21st, 2007
02:00 pm - A note about Guelph
On the University of Guelph campus there is a field called Johnston Green where the soldiers used to practice their maneuvers and such things. Now it is where people go to sunbath and play Frisbee. Across the green from most of campus sits there is a rather large lecture hall, War Memorial Hall. When class lets out of said lecture hall hundreds of students stream across the relatively small green and it looks like zombies are about to attack...
How appropriate for tonight's activities.
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September 16th, 2007
12:29 am - Quote of the day...
me: "I feel like getting drunk and making a big mistake"
Jess: "Yeah, but the thing about drunken mistakes is that you end up really regretting it and then you get mono."
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September 15th, 2007
01:09 pm
Things that currently make me sad:
- shopping for food
- being alone
- my room
Things that currently make me happy:
- having a textbook with the word "oceanography" on the cover
- watching Buffy with Becca instead of writing an essay
- tea
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September 12th, 2007
09:45 pm - Welcome back to Guelph, here's a dose of depression to start you off.
I'm not depressed actually. In fact I think I'm doing pretty well all things considered. However, Guelph decides to welcome its students back to class with extremely gray skies, cold weather and random cold rain. Yesterday at lunch Becca looked out the window and said; "oh, it's raining... or snowing." Exactly. And this is exactly what it will look like for the next 8 months. While eating dinner last night a waiter went racing out of the restaurant. Turns out all the patio furniture was making its way down the block, carried by wind. 5 or 6 workers were running into the intersections trying to capture the rapidly escaping plastic chairs. The first day of school and it was next to unbearable to walk Becca to the bus stop at 10pm.
In other news, on my first day back to the centre... when it was closed... we already had a person come that reminded me of the incredibly terrifying incident that occurred last year and almost drove me to quit the centre. We managed to keep it pleasant but shit, I'm done with this crap. Maybe this year is the year.
Other than that, classes are boring and make me really question the reasons behind my choice to stay in environmental science and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything including school work, unpacking or standing up. I am dubious of this year.
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September 9th, 2007
11:56 pm - Calling all friends....
I'm looking for distractions. Please entertain me.
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September 6th, 2007
10:06 am - I know this sounds ridiculous but....
I think I've finally found the perfect lipstick. When I was 12 I was obsessed with the idea of jet black hair, pale skin and red red lips (Snow White much?). I started my search for the perfect red lipstick at that point but all the colours were either too orange or too pink. In more recent years I've found some colours that are closeish but then the lipstick either gets all over my teeth or feels so heavy that I'm constantly aware of it and thus, very insecure about wearing it. Yesterday I bought some nice blood red stuff that doesn't budge (even with kissing, eating or licking my lips... it's a little disturbing actually) and I couldn't even feel it was there. This just might create a whole new Louise Brooks/Snow White version of Tama you've never seen before.
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September 5th, 2007
01:18 pm
The past two days I've been woken up by the very audible recess bell coming in through Mark's bedroom window. It's freaking me out. I guess elementary school was not a bad time but it's just reminding me of the impending school year starting up in a few days. This is the worst time of the year, especially this year. Too much change, too much instability. I hate it. I at least want to be just going back to the box to live with the people I know and love, at least that would be predictable. It just seems to me that the next couple of years are going to be extremely turbulent and tough. I'm not really feeling up to the fight.
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July 27th, 2007
08:21 pm - "I hereby amend anything I've ever said with this sigh"
Looking forward to seeing Ani at Hillside on Sunday.
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July 25th, 2007
09:59 pm
Have you even been so anxious about the few hours of potential sleep you have that you can't sleep? Add an extremely noisy roommate at 4am and a seemingly dying dog and you have my night last night. This left me unprepared for the 6am drive to Guelph where a car almost changed lanes right into me. Upon arrival in Guelph I set off for a long field day filled with small anxiety attacks about my paper that's due tomorrow and a hole in my waders. Getting home the anxiety attacks didn't get better, I cried a little bit, then went for a walk to clear my head and almost got hit by a car... ah well, such is life.
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June 11th, 2007
09:57 pm
Well Jack was the first to come up with a random form of procrastination. Apparently I'm drinking rum and coke while doing my homework... tastes like high school.
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oceanvagabond's journal